November 02, 2001 - Msg 3039: Poor Asa - we'll save you some cherry cheesecake from hubby's birthday dessert. That should prk you up! Dern, I thought we could really start ribbing you again and then you go get puny on us again.
hope you are feeling better soon!


November 02, 2001 - Msg 3040: prk - should be perk (my fingers got all twixed up!)

November 02, 2001 - Msg 3041: Thanks Homemaker, your so kind. I wasn't feeling bad from the surgery, I think I had a little bit of stomach flu going on. I feel much better today though. You're a sweetie for worrying about me though. I hear a big hurricane is headed Mrs. Wiley's way so we best round up the troops and help her board up her house. Someone see if we can borrow Goobers tools, and I'll round up some help from the bank.

"BENARD P. FIFE M.D. (Mayberry Deputy)

November 02, 2001 - Msg 3042: Only family can use Goober's tools ya know so ya better get Gomer to brang 'em. Gotta catch up on the latest posts, seems Mr. Merriweather was here & swept the porch!
Barney~ Oh Brother!
Gomer~No it don't have to be a brother, it can be a cousin like me.

November 02, 2001 - Msg 3043: Asa, I can get some help from the Darlins and we'll all head down there. Oh and I'll bring you a bottle of pop from the fillin station to help settle your stomach. Do you want huckleberry ot apricot? I think we helped Hazel pretty good don't you? We should go on T.V. --Salty Dog

November 02, 2001 - Msg 3044: Mavis, I'm gonna git ya for postin before I could!-SD

November 02, 2001 - Msg 3045: Apricot sounds purty good S.D. Do them Darlings know how to construct anythang other than music? I reckon they can sing whilest we work. I hope we helped Hazel some. She aint spoke to us since. Maybe she cant hear us. That thing will plug up yer ears.
Mavis, we need you to. If you can construct houses like you do web pages then you can be the boss, cause you knows your stuff girl.


November 02, 2001 - Msg 3046: Hey Porch,
Do ya'll like me? Well I like you to. Tell me again that ya'll like me. I liked ya'll first. I've always liked ya'll.

Don't think I'm Crazy, I'm just impersonating Barney. That was the show when Otis put his hooch in the crock and the gov. came to town.Wow, I've haven't posted in a while. Well I've just been giving you the silent treatment, haven't I? "I've got a rude, 'bet you ain't never got a rude."

Andy: Barney, your gassed.

November 02, 2001 - Msg 3047: AngeFan, I luv you! ( as Ernest T. Bass would say.)Asa good to hear from you. Glad your better. Got to go the dog is calling us to bed! Nite. Oh by the way biscuits and gravy tomorrow morning. Ya'll come.--Helen Jeremiah 29:11

November 02, 2001 - Msg 3048: Hey AngeFan if Mrs Crump is my mother figure would you be my brother figure? Sounds good to me Helen, have the coffee ready! Nite--Salty Dog

November 02, 2001 - Msg 3049: Now we are even SD you beat me this time. hey AngeFan if ya want in on the Cutlass send me your info & I'll add ya. *Mavis
(font check=off?)Nite Porch

November 02, 2001 - Msg 3050: Now Dad burn it! Why didn't that work?? Try this one..Cutlass

November 02, 2001 - Msg 3051: that's better!

November 03, 2001 - Msg 3052: <>

November 03, 2001 - Msg 3053: Mornin' all:
Helen, thanks for the invite. I'll just drop by for a short, the youn'uns have basketball practice this morning early. Mrs. Wiley, we're on our way!! Hang on 'til we get there. Our prayers for you and the family as you "batten down the hatches". Asa, so sorry ya have been feelin' poorly. Still praying for ya. Got to get to miving. ~New Neighbor

November 03, 2001 - Msg 3054: Mornin Porch Pals, Y'ALL COME! Ain't that just the sweetest thang - y'all comin t'help a poor ol lady board up fer a storm *snif*. Best bring your tall boots, if it swings this way it's gonna be a whopper. They say it's going to track over Cuba and off into the atlantic (duck Fidel!) Count me in on the beef-bake NN, but I'll go for the hoot-owl pie. Asa , that stomach bug is mean, but passes fast. "this too shall pass". Hope you're feelin better soon!

Yes, you would think the boss knew that the partner was an idiot, but in our big 'meeting' yesterday, he told us that when we alerted him to the fact that things were messed up real bad - he "thought we meant it was under control". In other words, he thought NO meant YES.

~ Mrs. Wiley
"what's the matter Andy, why'd ya stop us? We was goin real good that time, yeah!"

November 03, 2001 - Msg 3055: Hey Mrs. Wiley, makes ya wonder how bosses become bosses when they be such dunder heads don't it? Hope that storm goes south of ya but if it don't we are ready to move fast. Call us the Mayberry Minutemen. Best of luck to ya.
Thanks for the prayers N.N. I'm feeling a lot better.
I'm on my way over for breakfast Helen. Keep my breakfast warm and the coffee simmering.


November 03, 2001 - Msg 3056: goodmorning all,
Asa, so glad you are feeling better.
Mrs. Wiley be real careful of the hurricane ifin it comes your way. I've seen Michelle on radar and she's big.
NC could use some rain but we don't need no hurricane. Prayers for all those it has already hit. Let us band together and pray for God to diminish Hurricane Michelle.
Mavis, you are doing a good job on that Cutlass. Where did you find the music...good.
I'm behind on reading posts. Been going to bed earlier and not spending as much time on the computer.
Just wanted to stop by and say "Hi" and warm my rocking chair a little bit.
Miss Ellie
"Watch yer foot, I'm rocking forward."
Happy Belated birthdays to Wally (Emma's brother) and Mr. Schwump and Martha Clark.

November 03, 2001 - Msg 3057: Hey Miss Ellie may have to holler at you to send me all them birthdays, you always were good at keeping track of important stuff like that! Mrs. Wiley please be careful with that hurricane, & be sure you keep us posted so we know yer ok.

November 03, 2001 - Msg 3058: Hi Asa. Sorry I aint been on. I just been feeling sorry for myself and didn't want to spread my pity party around. I'm selfish that way. (like the giraffe).
- Hazel

"I'm no good, I'm just no good".

November 03, 2001 - Msg 3059: Oh, forgot to say, hey to Miss Ellie. I was wondering where you been. Glad see you back. And good luck, Mrs. Wiley. Hope that Michelle don't come yer way.
- Hazel

November 03, 2001 - Msg 3060: Hey Hazel - you're EPT, you're EPT! Still feelin poorley? I'm prayin for ya. Watch a couple of episodes, have a bubble bath, eat some chocolate. Thanks for all the well-wishes, I'm a watchin the huricane closely.

~ Mrs. Wiley

November 03, 2001 - Msg 3061: Hazel you need some chicken soup or something? I'll brang some over if ya do.

November 03, 2001 - Msg 3062: Hazel:
Perk right up ya hear? Ya got all kinds of friends here on the porch. Just spill it, we'll listen... Asa, ain't that right? (We keep him on a happy note and we can do the same for you! ) Jest 'member WHO's you are! ~New Neighbor

November 03, 2001 - Msg 3063: Hazel - now you can have a pity party here and we'll all join in to help you with whatever - that's what friends and this porch is for. Glad to here from you Miss Ellie and Mrs. Wiley - you take care now. Them hurricanes can be right awful! Some of them are as big as gully washers (being from Indiana that's all I have to compare it to).

We had Thanksgiving (Part1) at my parent's today (my brother was in from TN). As my brother said - it is nice to spread Thanksgiving out for the month. Everyone was healthy. A few grandkids and great grand kid missing but a wonderful time had by all.
I'm stuffed so I think I need to rest this Maude body for awhile!


November 03, 2001 - Msg 3064: Mrs. Wiley and Ellie...that hurricane will DEFinetely not hit Raleigh...send it to Back Bay Illinois (which is about as far back as you can get)....Folks around here don't even have enough teeth to have an overbite....


November 03, 2001 - Msg 3065: Hey everybody! Hope everybody had a good Saturday.

November 03, 2001 - Msg 3066: OOPS I didn't get finished. Miss Ellie, good to hear from you. Prayer can make a big difference for everybody. I know I've seen it work. I'll remember everyone and everything (as in hurricanes) in my prayers. Nite all--Helen
Psalm 107:1

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3067: Good morning porch! It's cold on my porch this morning. I have to work this morning. So everyone have a good sabbath. Mrs. Wiley, we'll try to keep Michelle back away from ya. Asa I be over to get you after work so we can head on down!!Where did Hazel get to? Ya'll have a good un!--Salty Dog

Andy to Bee--"I'm goin to preachin you comin?
Bee--"We'll I've just been sitting here waiting for you!"

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3068: We're up and heading to preaching this morning. Sunny day to start, but supposed to get cloudy in our neck of the woods! No rain in the forecast yet, keep praying. Cinnamon rolls for breakfast this morning. If we happen to have left for church, come on in, grab some food and a cup of coffee, make yourself at home. ~New Neighbor

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3069: Thanks New Neighbor, Sounds good. We may slip in a grab us some. Beautiful day in Dixie this mornin'. Clear fall day. Beautiful blue skies. See ya'll in church this morning. --Helen

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3070: Good Sabbath all, Why thank you NN, yummy! Mornin Helen, I always enjoy the Pslams verses - went and bookmarked them in my GoodBook. And thanks to the whole porch for your prayers and watchin the weather with me! (92...)

Anyone ever heard of a town called Watumpka, AL? I just like sayin that word... WATUMPKA.
~ Mrs. Wiley

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3071: Oh Mrs. Wiley, you beat everythang you know that?
Good Sabbath everyone. Tis a fantastic morning here in the hills of N. Utah. Suppose to get up to 70 again today. Can't believe its November.
Good to here from you Hazel. Sorry you aint up to par yet. You want me and Salty Dog back over there for another treatment on ya? We gettin real good at it.
Nice to hear from Miss Ellie. Don't be such a stranger.
Save me some rolls N.N. They sound gooood.


November 04, 2001 - Msg 3072: Morning porch. Thanks for all the well wishes. Today I decided to get up, forget I have pain and just go about my day. I think it might work. Yeah, but it might not. For petes sake, do you have to be so pessimistic? Alright, might work. Yeah, but it might not. I watched Andy tapes all day yesterday, now I'm just full of useful information. Did you know if you wear a ruby ring and ride an old horse, the horse'll go mad? Where'd you hear that? The Book, the Book!
- Hazel

There's more than one way to pluck a buzzard.

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3073: Morning Porch!

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3074: Good Sabbath Porch!

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3075: Mrs Wiley,I am familiar with the town of Wetumpka. It is the home of Julia Tutweiler Prison for women. That is not how I know about it however! Just being AL myself, I know the territory. We also have a Bug Tussle(FYI).Thanks Mrs. Wiley, glad you enjoy the verses. I love Psalms too. --Helen

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3076: Being AL? Being from Alabama. Sorry.--Helen

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3077: If any of you are in the Huntsville, AL area, I'm teaching a "Mayberry Bible Study" on Sunday night at my church. It starts at 6:00 p.m. and it's a load of fun. Y'all drop by and visit or e-mail me if you'd like.
--Allan "Floyd" Newsome

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3078: Helen, is AL a good dancer? hehehe

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3079: Good evening,nice evening aint it? Hows my porch buddies doing? Hazel, I hope your doing better. Let me know when you need me and Asa. I only have two days off this week. Mrs. Wiley I hope you're still holding that hurricane off! Those cinnamon buns were great this morning!! I hope ya'll have a great night and a good Monday (yuck!) Wheres Mavis been? See ya'll later--Salty Dog

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3080: Evening porch. Did everyone have a good day? Sure hope so.
Mavis, I'm kinda worried about your neck now. Why you ask. Cause it has to sore from holding up your swollen head after 3 straight. Holy pigskin Mavis. Way to go. (you know I'm pickin at ya)
And Hazel, thanks for the computer lesson earlier today. But when I came back on it dumped ya, so I did something wrong. I'll keep trying though. It was nice chatting with ya.


November 04, 2001 - Msg 3081: You snuck in on me S.D. Now quit that. I think Hazel decided that she felt much better when she found out we was planning another trip to her place. Wonder what causes that?


November 04, 2001 - Msg 3082: Hey To The Porch(insert exclamation points here-real one will be censored) NumberThree

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3083: Sorry Asa but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to beat me! I can't imagine why Hazel wouldn't want us back, we weren't THAT bad were we? People shore are odd! --Salty Dog

November 04, 2001 - Msg 3084: Just to let ya'll know, I been around, but I have had company ALL day & wasn't able to get online. I was thinking about ya'll tho. Asa You & Salty Dog ain't hangin me in no contraption in the closet, I ain't having no kids hangin out at the winder going on about how I'm hangin myself! I 'ppreciate the thought tho!
Night Porch

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3085: Good Morning Mayberry and the Front Porch! It's a chilly morning here and I thought I'd try to be the first one to talk this morning. Getting ready for school and gettin the youngin's out the door too. Ain't got time for a fancy breakfast - maybe a fried egg/ham/cheese sandwich to go? Any takers with a jug of milk? Milk does a body good!

Mavis, the boys saw a deer grazing over by our woods yesterday. They were calling out to it and it just stood and looked at them. Kept on grazing. Shotgun season opens on the 17th. Think I'll be a deer widow then and my youngin's will be orphins for a while! It sure was pretty to watch her though! Been cutting more wood in case the winter is real bad!

Well - the sandwiches are about done! Have a good Monday ya'll!


November 05, 2001 - Msg 3086: Still no one up . . .why it's a nice 6AM. Time to rise and shine! (and give God the glory, glory!)

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3087: Mornin Porch! Homemaker I know what you mean about being a widow when hunting season opens, but I look at it like this, I get the house to myself for a while! I'm heading out to work & hope to get some work done (eyes rolling)
Have a good 'un!

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3088: Mornin' porch:
It's cold in this neck of the woods. Just got the youn'uns off the school and before I start the weekend laundry, thought I'd short a bit to the neighbors. Looks like Mrs. Wiley is ging to miss the worst of the storm. See prayers DO WORK! Asa- where are you? Mavis, good to talk to you! Kinda nice to have a whole new family, bein's ours is running a little short... ~New Neighbor

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3089: Good Morning porch. I see we have a slug of early risers today. Good on ya. Them sammiches sound good Homemaker. Don't overdue that wood cuttin.
Howdy N.N. How are you this a.m.? Sounds like you have a fun filled day planned.
Are you sure your o.k. Mavis? Me and Salty Dog has gotten pretty good at neck fixin. Just ask Hazel.
Where is Helen at this morning? She musta been up late correcting papers I reckon.
Stay dry Mrs. Wiley. Sounds like its going south of ya.
Ya'll have a good Monday, and act like somebody.

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3090: Asa, I declare I just don't know what we're gonna do with some people. I mean you help one person out and offer to help another and what do you get?? Heartahce!!! Why wouldn't Mavis want our services? Why I was thinking we could set up our own little shop or something. But like I've said before, People shore are odd!! Have a good un Salty Dog

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3091: Well Asa - I am glad that I didn't fix to many extra sammiches. Why - there is nothing bad about a good healthy dose of cholesterol early in the morning!

Been a busy morning on potty patrol - everyone seems regular! We also track blood pressure, weight, and a variety of other things. . .what some teachers do to earn a living!

Well - off to do some more tracking. . . and patrolling!


November 05, 2001 - Msg 3092: I don't know how much money you make Homemaker but I bet it ain't enough.


November 05, 2001 - Msg 3093: BTW Salty Dog. I was thinking we should mass produce them hanging thingy's and make a how to video, and then go on tv with one of them there infomercial things and sell them and get rich over night. Are you game?


November 05, 2001 - Msg 3094: Hey Asa:
How ya be this fine November day? The youn'uns love it when they see ya been on. If ya hang that thingy on the porch, do ya swing in the wind? Sumpin like a hammock? Only from the neck? Kinda sends a funny picture, that's all... ~New Neighbor

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3095: Thats sound good to me Asa. We'll get started right away on it! I have tomorrow off so I'll make some phone calls. Do you reckon Mavis would be our guinea pig for the infomercials? Maybe we can talk her into it! Later--Salty Dog

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3096: Yea, I think we can get Hazel and Mavis to do some testimonials for us. That is if Hazel is able to talk again. She hushed right up after that last treatment.
Hey N.N. I tried hanging from the porch but a bunch of buzzards started mingling over the house so I moved it indoors.


November 05, 2001 - Msg 3097: Asa, I could be the "after" testimonial guinea pig. My neck moves real good! ~ Mrs. Wiley

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3098: SD and Asa, you better include me in that informercial. After all, I was the first customer. I would of course be the featured star. I would come on and say "yes indeed, that neck hanger sure worked for me. Before the treatment I was all crumpled over in pain. And now I feel so much better. I look different too! After the treatment, I stand 5 foot 9 inches. Before I was 5 foot 5 inches. With a few more treatments I may not be overweight at all! And the treatment is all natural... some concoction made out of mulberries. Tastes great! hic Yes sir, I would definitley recommend the "Asalty Dog" treatment. It worked for me, and it can work for you too!!" (How'd that sound?) I think you two could make a lot of money on the project. Beats growing mushrooms in the basement, or weaving old tires into floor mats and purses and other attractive items.
- Hazel

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3099: MC of Texarcana says, "weaving old tires into floormats put my daughter through beauticians school!"

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3100: The tears on my pillow bespeak the pain that is in my heart/neck.
- Hazel

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3101: Ya'll are just great - I love your testimonial Hazel! It just brought tears to my eyes (sniff) and made my nose runny (sniff, sniff). The things this porch thinks of. SD and Asa - one dangerous pair of criminals.

Well - it is time to blow out the lantern and take a snooze. This old teacher rises early in the morning (4:45) so I'll see ya'll then.


November 05, 2001 - Msg 3102: Hey everybody! Ya'll make me LOL! I can just picture Asa swinging in the breeze! Give him a golf club as he's swinging in the 'contraption' and he's liable to hit it. (FORE!) I bet you look great Hazel. I hope you don't over do and have to get some of the rings those African natives wear! The kind you see on the Nat'l Geographic shows.:) Somebody could sell those too! If the treatment gets a little out of hand. I like the sound of 'Asalty Dog'
treatment. Homemaker feed um LOTS of cheese. Maybe they'll give you a break of the potty duties. :) Asa I bet that was you that ask about Al. He is a good dancer, just can't stand crowed ballrooms. Good nite all! -- Helen Psalms 92:1

Barney: My names not Al it's Barney!

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3103: Crowed ballrooms? I meant crowded ballrooms. It's late! Nite.

November 05, 2001 - Msg 3104: Hazel, we are gonna make you the director of marketing. I love it. The Asalty Dog. I really love it. Maybe we can get Burt to sell some. If not then we can try Weaver's. Who knows it may even cure the mange.


November 06, 2001 - Msg 3105: I declare, you folks beat everything, you know that? You are all just too funny! I love having friends who know how to laugh and make others laugh, too. It's a gift!
Mavis, I sent another email to your new TAGS-dedicated address. I hope the Mailer Demon didn't get it, too. Let me know if it doesn't make it through. --Romeena

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3106: Mornin' porch:
Another day, another field trip. This time to the Inner Harbor in Baltimore to the Science Center. Wasn"t scheduled to go, but one the parents thought it too dangerous, so she backed out. My Opie (really has red hair) wanted me to go, so it's like potty patrol, someone has to do it!! Have a good day, will miss ya'll. "Keep that thingy swinging in the wind". ~New Neighbor

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3107: Mornin' porch:
Another day, another field trip. This time to the Inner Harbor in Baltimore to the Science Center. Wasn"t scheduled to go, but one the parents thought it too dangerous, so she backed out. My Opie (really has red hair) wanted me to go, so it's like potty patrol, someone has to do it!! Have a good day, will miss ya'll. "Keep that thingy swinging in the wind". ~New Neighbor

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3108: Morning. New Neighbor, looks like you chewed your cabbage twice this morning. hehe. Be careful today. I hope it aint too dangerous. Keep an eye out... there's no telling when another beast might come out of the forest. You really are brave. Have fun with the young'uns.
- Hazel

"Some of us got it, some of us aint."

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3109: Mornin Hazel, Howdy Romeena. Looks like New Neighbor is getting to where she repeats herself. I just happen to have a device that will cure her. It's the Asalty Dog neck fixer upper and weight control system. But it's good for all that ails ya. Dr. Pendyke has tested it and found it to be the next best thing to asprin. Try one today!


November 06, 2001 - Msg 3110: Asa, you forgot it also heals hearing loss!! Better'n any old hearing aid on the market! Now, I had an idea, Hows about we add a bar across the top of it sos the body building types can do chin ups while they hang! It'll be better than that bow thing on TV We'll call it the Asalty Dog 2000. What do you think? Hazel wanna try it? Later--Salty Dog

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3111: Mornin'! Salty Dog, I think you've got a good idea, adding that bar across the top of your fixer-upper device. That would make it completely portable. You wouldn't have to find a closet to hang it in, you could lay that bar across a couple of tree branches, or two tall pieces of furniture. If the user is short, or doesn't mind sitting down, he or she could lay it across two pick-up truck tailgates. They'd just need to make sure they get both sets of keys, so they don't get a sudden let-down! A jolt like that could give 'em whiplash, and then they'd really be in trouble. Remember how poor Goober suffered with it? --Romeena

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3112: Romeena, How ya doing? Ain't heard from ya in a while. Did you go to the Doc's yet and get tweaked. Hope all is well. Let us know how you are.
The Asalty Dog 2000. I like it S.D. I think we have us a winner. We need some celebrity to demonstrate it on tv now. Any ideas.


November 06, 2001 - Msg 3113: Why the obvious of course!! Someone from tags! But which one?--Salty Dog

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3114: Howdy, Asa! Thanks for your kind concern. Have been to a couple of docs, got to see the main man (cardiologist) on Thursday. His opinion is gonna influence everything else. Have confirmed gallstones (I knew that already!) that need to come out, plus a couple of other potential removals. I'm all for it, anything to feel like myself again. Not really sick, just not 100%.
As for who to get to advertise your neck fixer-upper, Salty Dog, how about Barney? He's had experience with the thing already. You might have to blindfold him, or hit him with a tranquilizer dart to get him to do it again, but he'd be a natural! --Romeena

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3115: Hi all--
Made it back in one piece from the field trip. YEA! It was a beautiful day, but a bit nippy. I was impressed with the ship that sank in 1912-(they wouldn't let me type the name) exibition (real artifacts). Kind of puts things into perspective. Got to go for the evening, got an appreciation dinner for some volunteer work I been doin'. Got dinner at the clown's place for the youn'uns. ~New Neighbor

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3116: Ya think we could get Don Knotts to SpokePerson the Asaltydog 2K? ~ Mrs. Wiley

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3117: I am not sure if Barney is the right spokesperson. I think Goober is a better spokesperson, afterall he has dealt with being a pain in the neck. And he has a real nice smile and all and he probably would give away free pop to all who purchsed the Asaltydog 2K!


November 06, 2001 - Msg 3118: I like it! Asaltydog 2K. It's sure to be a best seller. Remember that real tall guy from the town band that had to switch uniforms with the short feller from Freddy Fleets band, so's they could play good so the mayor would let em go to competition? I wonder if he's still around... If we can't get anyone from TAGS, do you suppose we could get another famous person? If I have a couple more treatments, I'll soon be up to 7 foot tall, and I was thinking maybe I could become friends with Michael Jordon, and maybe he would help us out. I've always wanted to meet him...
Oh, New Neighbor, congrats on getting recognized for your volunteer efforts! You're a fine person. Do you have your speech prepared? Try this one: "I come before you a humble woman, full of humbleness and humility".
- Hazel

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3119: I know we couldn't get Mr. Darling. Ever since he saw that hangin' he don't like anything around his neck. But I just had an idea! How about Allan (Floyd)? Remember, in one episode Floyd was asaulted. get it? Asalted? I crack me up...
- Hazel (again)

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3120: (I couldn't spell as$ault the correct way because the censor got me.)

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3121: That sounds fine woth me Hazel, but of course, me and Asa will have to talk to the boys at the lab first! You know it's kind of strange, after we started talking about using Mavis for our guinea pig, she aint been around as much wonder what caused that??? Must be this fall out thing she keeps going on about! Have a good night, I gotta get up at 5 in the morning. Keep things hoppin for me Asa (yawn) talk to ya tomorrow. --Salty Dog

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3122: Woth is supposed to be with! Sorry bout that. My fingers are gettin cold out here!--SD

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3123: Oh Hazel, you are a funny lady. I think Floyd would make a great spokesman for the Asalty 2000. Plus it will cover up his sideburns, and that's a good thing cause he cuts his own hait you know. I can tell an amatuer a mile away.
I think Mavis may be holding out for more money S.D. We will see about that...


November 06, 2001 - Msg 3124: I'm all he't up! You all have got yourselfs a WINNER with Asaltydog 2K! Can I help? I got a camera we can use to film the infomercial. It's not fast enough to successfully capture Barney's quick-draw, but gettin' a few pictures of Asa (or whoever) swingin' in the wind wouldn't be no big thang. But if you use my camera, I'd have to be the DIRECTOR, you see. That way I could wear a fancy beret (one'a them Frenchie hats) and strut around sayin' stuff like, "I cain't work under these conditions!" It'd be a lotta fun. And anybody that don't agree with me will NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN. (See? I got the patter down real good already!) "Lights! Camera! ACTION!"
*Rafe Hollister
"The bigger they are the nicer they are. HEY, CHUCK!"

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3125: Rafe, where ya been buddy. You get over your ailing? Good to see ya. I think you will make a fine director if you don't mind wearing this new suit of clothes we got ya. Course Charlene has to approve them. We are glad to have ya pal.


November 06, 2001 - Msg 3126: "I FEEL LIKE I'M FIXIN' TO." :-)

Thanks for askin' after me, bud. My piky-icky is abot 95% gone. It was just a cold and cough with some upper-resp congestion, but a few days of aspirin and Nyquil or Robitussin has cleared me right up! Good thing too, 'cause me and Charlene are gonna take a trip up to Arkansas this weekend to visit with her folks, and it wouldn't be nice to bring my Texas germs with me and ooze 'em all over her kinfolks, now would it?

As for Charlene approvin' of them new gubment clothes you got for me, I say brang 'em on. I mean, they cain't be any worse than what I wore to Helen Crump Taylor's Halloween party, and she approved of THAT. :-)

Lemme know when you want the filmin' to commence, and I'll get my old camera outta the closet, or the attic, or wherever I put it, and go to the store and see if Kodak still makes film in that size. Then we'll be ready to "roll 'em!" (another film-makin' phrase I thought I'd throw out there for ya - just to show you how serious I'm takin' this ássignment).

I'll see ya.
*Rafe Hollister
"I declare I'm 'bout to strangle. I do believe these are the tightest britches I ever had on!"

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3127: I think you guys are coming up with some great plans... but, I hate to tell you this, Rafe, but someones got to. I believe Charlene gave your old camera away to a disease drive. I'm sorry to be the one to break it to ya, bud.
- Hazel

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3128: OH, NO!! I'll bet you're right, Hazel. THAT'S why I ain't seen that camera around here in awhile. OH, the humanity!

(Can I still wear my beret? Please?)

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3129: I just found this site...I love TAGS.


November 06, 2001 - Msg 3130: Hey David,
Welcome to the site!!!
We always love to get new "porchsters".
I guess Salty Dog is are newest.

Here on the porch there are two rules

Rule number one:
Obey all rules.

Rule number two:
Treat others as you would have them treat you.

God bless you all,
:-} AngeFan

November 06, 2001 - Msg 3131: My son, froget not my law; but let thine heart keep my comandments: for length of days, and long life, and peace shall they add to thee.
Proverbs 3:1-2


November 06, 2001 - Msg 3132: Is he one'a ours? :-)

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3133: Mornin Proch:
I can't believe I'm the first on the porch this mornin'. Hot cakes, sausage, coffee and 0j for breakfast. Come on over-- there are some sticky buns left from the youn'uns.(a few fingers and hands too!!)HEHEHE Wonder what causes that? ~New Neighbor

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3134: I'll be over for breakfast NN and I hope you made enough because I am powerful hungry!
Well it sounds like the informorcial is shaping up - maybe if you go to Hollywood you could get Dash Riprock from Beverly Hills to be in the informercial. If Rafe can't direct maybe Jethro
Bodine would be available!

Well onto other things. . .ya'll have a Mayberry kind of day!


November 07, 2001 - Msg 3135: Welcome David!!! You come back now, you hear!

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3136: Mornin porch, Welcome David. Nice of you to drop by. You'll like it here on the porch. These people are such nuts! They make me laugh all the time. Congratulations New Neighbor! If anybody deserves the honor, you do. We need more like you.
I'd love some of your breakfast if you have any left. We are late b'fast eaters around here. Rafe, I'm glad your better. Sorry about your camara. Maybe it helped somebody though. Where's Asa? Probably sittin' by the phone waitin' for a call for the handy dandy Asalty 2K! Hey AngeFan.

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3137: Howdy Porch, I'm late getting on today, was up very late putting the last touches on the Asalty Dog 2000. you're gonna love it JUST LOVE IT. Sorry I missed that fine sounding Breakfast N.N. Hows about lunch. Besides I need to discuss with you and Homemaker trying out the model 2000 at home for a month for free. What an offer.

Oh and welcome aboard David.

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3138: Helen, we talked over each other. How are you?

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3139: Asa - my hubby's back goes out quite often so the Asalty 2K would probably work for him. Me - I think I would have to be still for a few minutes and being on the computer is about as still as I get sometimes. Forget lunch - I think I need a good supper. Lunch and breakfast were snack crackers so my tummy is hungry!

Glad you are feeling better Asa!!


November 07, 2001 - Msg 3140: Oh by the way - I gave up potty patrol duty this week. The first grader still isn't trained but we figured we gave it a shot so now it will be up to his mommy to actually do something with him!
Go figure! I know he stayed regular on my watch.


November 07, 2001 - Msg 3141: You're a 'regular' watchdog there homemaker. You did all you could, so don't go punishin' yourself inside or nuthin'. Welcome to Mayberry David - we're just a bunch of NUTS, but a likable sort. Helen, your welcome to join me in a TV dinner - Fried chicken & mashed taters. Can't wait to see a sketch of the Asalty 2K, yall let me know if ya need help.

~ Mrs. Wiley
Andy: "I like tv dinners, I really do!"
Barney: "NO YOU DON'T!"

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3142: Hey to the porch! Well I went to the dad-gum doctors on Monday and I still got the blues. He put me on some kind of pill that blocks the fat in the food you eat and helps you loose weight. Now listen here doc, that is one of the things that made big Maude so intimidating was her "Girlish Figure." So how am I supposed to defend myself in this crazy world if I am can't have a sugar pick me up late in the day? Namely a Mr. Cookie Bar. Not that I claim to be thin and wirey mind you. I am not a Fife, but I do resemble Aunt Bee as far as size and shape go. The doctor is also going to check my thyroid. I reckon they took about a quart of blood. They make a charge for that. Do you know how long they would stay in business if they went around taking a quart without making a charge for it? Water and air's free though. Thank the Lord something still is. Hey Asa and Salty, I'll take two of your contraptions. One for Little Opie, who as you will remember has hearing loss in one ear and one for me. You said that it might help with weight loss and so I reckon I'll give it a whirl. I know we ain't big famous stars, but if it helps me loose weight I could send you a before and after picture, kinda like Jared from the Subway commercials.

Fun Girl

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3143: Hey to the porch! Well I went to the dad-gum doctors on Monday and I still got the blues. He put me on some kind of pill that blocks the fat in the food you eat and helps you loose weight. Now listen here doc, that is one of the things that made big Maude so intimidating was her "Girlish Figure." So how am I supposed to defend myself in this crazy world if I am can't have a sugar pick me up late in the day? Namely a Mr. Cookie Bar. Not that I claim to be thin and wirey mind you. I am not a Fife, but I do resemble Aunt Bee as far as size and shape go. The doctor is also going to check my thyroid. I reckon they took about a quart of blood. They make a charge for that. Do you know how long they would stay in business if they went around taking a quart without making a charge for it? Water and air's free though. Thank the Lord something still is. Hey Asa and Salty, I'll take two of your contraptions. One for Little Opie, who as you will remember has hearing loss in one ear and one for me. You said that it might help with weight loss and so I reckon I'll give it a whirl. I know we ain't big famous stars, but if it helps me loose weight I could send you a before and after picture, kinda like Jared from the Subway commercials.

Fun Girl

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3144: Hey Porch! I don't mind being the guinea pig for ya'll's new contraption, I wasn't staying away of my own accord, I am having an awful fight with Sprint over my phone bill, & they cut the dad-burn thang off for a few days!! Made me madder than an old wet hen too! Finally got someone on the phone that knowed what they were talking about & got it back on today, so I'm back! Ya'll miss me?? (teehee)
Gotta get the Cutlass back in order now.

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3145: Where's my manners?? Welcome to ya David

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3146: Hi everyone. Nice to hear from you Fun Girl. That's nice of you to buy two of the Asalty Dog contraptions. I wonder if it's buy one-get one free. Well, my day started out rotten. Got a call at 4:00 a.m. that the alarm was going off at my husbands shop (we own a bicycle shop). So he went down there and someone had thrown a brick thru the front winder and stolen his most expensive bike. Anyway, hubby said it was kinda funny because the police checked the brick for fingerprints. It reminded me of the Ernest T episode over at Mrs. Wileys place. The police here must not know what they are doing because they never did take the brick with them to have the boys at the lab check it. Oh, welcome to David! Visit us again, you're always welcome.
- Hazel

Barney: You know Andy, it's a shame about those fellers that steal...
Andy: Yeah, they ought not to do that.

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3147: Well hi yall Im late tonight. I just git through working 13 hours straight. So, this "dog" is tired. Welcome to David, As you can see we are a lively bunch of nuts up here on the porch!! We don't bite though. unless you bite first! Asa, sounds like the AD 2K is going full steam ahead! Keep it up. I'm off tomorrow so I can hep ya! Just let me know. Hazel iffn you want us to, we'll rig up a burgurlar trap in your shop to catch that old robber and maybe take his picture too!! Asa, what do ya tink... Add a security device to catch robbers? It would be a sure fire way to catch one!! Let me know!! Have a good un--Salty Dog

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3148: Uh, that is supposed to be got, Sorry bout that-SD

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3149: G'de-ve-nin'. FG, hope the new meds help out - and hope the thyroid test comes out ok. Ya know they got a new pill or chemical for just about everything these days. That was the funniest costume I saw at the halloween party - a guy dressed like Jarred from Subway - looked just like him in the face (wore a photo pinned to his chest of Jarred). And wore pants 10 sizes too big - to look like he lost alot of weight! Welcome back to the porch Mavis, and hey to Hazel, sorry bout the theft but that brick story is a hoot!

~ Mrs. Wiley
I'll bet the boys didn't take it back to the lab because it was a local rock.

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3150: Evening Porch pals. How is eveyone doing? Hey Fun Girl, hang in there. Sorry you aint feeling so good, but this is the place to be when your down. We will send you a complementery Asalty Dog 2000.It slices.. it dices.. it.. whoops wrong gizmo. Anyway get feelin better soon like.
Sounds like things are better for you homemaker. I think you have paid your price for a civilized world.
Sounds like an exciting morning in Boise Hazel. Crime everywhere, and I bet it all started with jaywalkers.
Nice to hear from ya Mavis. Thought we scared ya off.
You make me giggle Mrs. Wiley. You always put things in perspective.
Get some good sleep S.D. Its gonna be a busy day tomorrow. You need to start production on the infomercial.
Oh and Floyd, would you sweep up after us, Thanks.

November 07, 2001 - Msg 3151: Good evening porch, Mav it's good to see ya again! Asa, I hope you get some sleep too. I've been awake for 20 hours. Good thing I aint watching the bank! Have a good nite ya'll see ya tomorrow on our new show...Asalty Dog 2000 and Beyond!!Nite--Salty Dog

November 08, 2001 - Msg 3152: Good Morning everybody!!!

November 08, 2001 - Msg 3153: Hey Asa,
The porch sweeps it's self when it gets to a certain size...just any minute now. If the size is too big and slow to load as it gets close to sweeping....let me know and I'll see if I can adjust it a little.